Christmas Memories

 On Christmas Eve, my siblings and I all go to our in-laws for the evening. My dad and Nate went to dad's sister's house.

At the Newton Christmas Eve party, we have fun eating dinner and the kids perform their piano/violin pieces. This year the older kids performed a piece using plastic pipes of different sizes. (It's fun when Grandma Julie is a music teacher and has fun stuff in her basement!)

Here are some of the boys watching the violinists...

Aubree played her violin with Aunt Sarah and Tyler and I played a duet on the piano.

The kids love acting out the nativity. It is fun to have the little ones play Mary and Joseph. Uncle Jon was the donkey that carried Mary into Bethlehem. It was so fun to have a live baby Jesus this year. Leon was so good and just sat there and looked around.

We had fun opening presents and then it was time to go home.

The next morning was interesting... Marcus talked the other three kids into waiting to see what Santa brought until after church. They had us cover their gift from Santa and couldn't wait to get home! When we got home they all wanted to change back into their PJ's, line up on the stairs, and listen to Amy Grant's "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," just like we always do. We had fun opening gifts and eating brunch with Grandpa Kent, Nate, Isaac and Candalyn when they came over at 11.

I have realized how important traditions are! I remember hearing Richard and Linda Eyre speak once and they talked about how traditions will keep our children close. It is so true! My kids have clung to our traditions and it is so fun!

We gave the kids photos of my mom. It was neat to go through these and find photos of each of my kids with her. It made me so grateful that she came with us to Disneyland, went with us on field trips, and that we had so many fun family trips together.

Here is Caleb's...

This is Marc's... (my favorite is the one in the center with Tower of Terror behind it. They were the only two who wanted to keep riding it and she called him her "Tower of Terror buddy.")

Here is Tyler's...

This is Aubree's... (note all the photos of the Scrabble games. My mom loved to play Scrabble and Tyler and Aubree both have fond memories of Scrabble tournaments.)

Christmas Day 2011 - We did it!

Well, I made it through my first major holiday without my mom.

I can't say that I made it through without crying, or that I made it through without missing her... but here it is, at the end of Christmas day and I am still functioning - and even feeling content and happy.

Last night after we got home from Matt's parents, I wasn't doing so well. But this morning I woke up happy and excited for the day. I thoroughly enjoyed Sacrament Meeting - I wish Christmas was on Sunday every year. It was a great reminder of the reason we celebrate this holiday - the birth of our Savior. I felt it even more personally this year. Christ was born so that he could set the perfect example for us, perform the Atonement, and then be resurrected so all of us can someday be resurrected. What a wonderful thing that is and what great hope it gives me as I sit here and mourn my mom. Jesus knows exactly how I feel. He felt our grief and pain. It is because of His great plan that I can be with my mom again someday.

Today I didn't cry until my dad came over. When he walked in my family room, I looked at him and broke down. Then he started to cry, too. He saw a photo collage that I made each of my kids - photos of my mom with each of them - and then he had to go in the other room and have a few minutes to himself.

Other than that, we've all done pretty well. And it makes me happy to think that each year it will get just a little bit easier. I guess the good thing about going through trials is it makes us realize how strong we really are.

Melancholy Aimee

The other night Matt and I were chatting. He told me how someone had asked him how I was doing. "How do you answer?" I asked him. Matt said he was telling a friend how he has never seen this side of my personality before. He said that I am so... melancholy. He said that he wouldn't classify me as "sad" or "depressed," but just melancholy.

I guess he's right. We laughed about how the old me would've freaked out if my house was cluttered. Now I am much more chill about it. I think that's a good thing, honestly. No one wants a drill sergeant mom who expects the house to always be picked up. It's not that I don't care - I still make sure the house is picked up and dishes are done every night before I go to bed. But I certainly don't get as worked up about things as I used to. Maybe it's because I've been worked up about other things - like losing my mom or my brother getting slammed in the media. Maybe I'm just too tired to care.

It is hard to know if this is grief, or if this is just a busier life that's affecting me. I started a new job a little over a month before my mom died, so maybe it's just that life is busier now. I think my job is saving my sanity, though. It is total escapism for me and I love it! If I didn't have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, some mornings I wouldn't have. It is so healthy for me to have somewhere I have to be every morning. It's great! Plus I get social interaction and I get to put my grief on the shelf for a few hours every day.

So the good news is that I am much more chill around my house. The bad news is that I'm probably not very fun to hang out with these days. I hope someday the yellow part of my personality will come back. Thank goodness for family and friends who love me for who I am - regardless.

Taking Mom's Place in the Delivery Room

After mom passed away, my little sister, Tami, asked me to be in the delivery room when she had her baby.  She had planned to have mom there, so I had the privilege of taking mom's place. I think the miracle of birth is just awesome, so I was excited to get to be there. More than that, though, I was excited to have my mom near me. I never know if her spirit gets the chance to be with us during other life experiences. (Like does she get to come to piano and violin recitals?) But I had no doubt that she would be with Tami as she had that baby and I was so excited about it!

Last Saturday at 4:30 a.m. I heard my phone ring and it was Tami telling me that she and her husband, Tom, were on their way to the hospital. I jumped out of bed, got dressed, and ran out the door with my camcorder.

Shortly after I arrived, my dad also arrived. We waited, as Tami's labor progressed. When the doctor came in and wanted her to start pushing, dad stepped behind the curtain and waited in the doorway so he couldn't see anything, but could still hear what was going on.

I did a modest filming of the birth, but as Tami started pushing, I totally lost it. I knew my mom was in the room with us. I could feel her. I sobbed and watched the miraculous birth of Sophie Adair Larsen, knowing she was fresh from heaven, and probably had the chance to chat with Grandma Sherri before joining our family.

Thank you, Tami and Tom, for this amazing experience! We are so excited to have Sophie in our family!!

Winder Family Christmas Party

Several years ago my mom started a new Christmas tradition. Since all of us go to our in-laws for Christmas Eve, mom wanted to do a Sunday night Christmas dinner where we could do many of the "Christmas Eve" festivities.

So last Sunday, we had our first Not-quite-Christmas-Eve party without mom.

Nate is in town from Germany and he helped make a delicious turkey and ham dinner. After we ate, we had a talent show for the grandkids. We heard piano pieces, a violin number, and a song by Cedric. We also saw a dance/jig by little Grace and a fabulous jump rope performance by Jefferson.

After the talent show, the kids acted out the nativity. Nate was the donkey that carried in Mary. I love Marc's sheep attire! Aubree was the narrator - reading scripture passages, and leading us in Christmas songs.

One of my mom's favorite parts of the evening is watching the video, "Luke II," while listening to Amy Grant's song, "Breath of Heaven" in the background. The timing is perfect and it's a beautiful and spiritual reminder of that holy night when the Savior was born.

I sat and cried through this as I thought about how much we miss mom!

After the video, I asked Mike to read a poem that I received from my friend, Janice. She was nice enough to print out copies for all of us, that included mom's photo on it. Here is some of the poem:

I see countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's little stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.


I know how much you miss me.
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.


Afterwards, dad said a nice family prayer.

I think this may be the hardest Christmas event for us without mom this year.

Nate was sweet and brought a chocolate advent calendar for the kids. Here's a photo of the kids with him.

We took a photo of my dad and his kids. Of course we had to stand in age order, because that's how mom would've liked it.

I feel awful admitting it, but I have sure had a hard time enjoying Christmas this year. I think I am more sad than excited. I know next year may be a little easier, so I will be patient with myself.

My Costco Goal

I know most people should be setting goals to help them improve their character, or something like that. Well, I am going to admit a personal goal of mine that really has nothing to do with improving anything. In fact, it's a little embarrassing to even admit...

My goal is to not have to show my Costco membership card when I enter a Costco.

Okay, honestly I have other "real" goals in life, but this is just one of those quirky things that I thought I would share.

One time I went to Costco, showed my card, and then lost it before I got to the checkstand. I really get annoyed when I have to dig through my purse, while walking and pushing a cart with the other hand. It's kind of like patting your head and rubbing your stomach while chewing bubble gum... it just takes a lot of brain power and energy.

Since my goal is to conserve as much energy as possible right now, I've decided that I don't want to show my Costco card anymore. For pete's sake - they make you show it when you pay, anyway!

So let me tell you my different strategies...

Sometimes I will just plain ignore the person at the door. I will pretend to look at something in the opposite direction and not make eye contact. That sometimes works, but one time I had the woman interrupt my forlorn thoughts to ask if I had my card. I caved and dug it out of my purse for her.

Other times, I will walk through the door, look the greeter in the eye, give a great big smile and say, "Hi there!" Then they think that they should know/remember me and it throws them off a bit. They usually won't ask at that point.

For emergency back-up, I've thought that I can tell them I am visiting the optical department (because you don't need your card to get an eye exam). But that seems a little dishonest, so I don't usually go for that approach.

My mother-in-law suggested that when they say, "Do you have your card?" To just say, "Yes," and keep walking. I will have to try that sometime. For now, though, I generally go with option one or two.

Good thing I am setting such lofty goals in my life!

"Survivor" reunion

This grief stuff really catches me off guard...
The other night we were watching "Survivor" on T.V. On "Survivor," the contestants had been on an island, for 31 days. In this particular episode, they received a phone with video footage of one of their loved ones. As each person watches a sibling, spouse, or parent give them a hearty greeting, they get so emotional. It is so touching to see how much they love and miss their family members.

Later in the show the contestants go to a challenge and lo and behold their loved one gets to come out and greet them. They hug and cry, while expressing their love for each other and how much they miss each other.

Okay, I just sat and bawled. Like uncontrollable crying. I thought for a moment how that would feel to be out in the middle of nowhere for a whole month, with no family, (and starving). But more than that, I had just a glimpse of what my reunion with my mom will be someday. I would give almost anything to get five minutes to hug her and talk to her, like these contestants had. It just hurts so bad to know I won't see her again for such a long time.

I already feel like there is so much to catch her up on. I want to talk to her about the things going on around here - and yet I'm sure she probably knows about some of our harder challenges. And for Pete's sake... it's been over 90 days, not just 31!

I prayed that night that I could have a dream about my mom. That seems as close as I can get to getting a little "video footage" of her. If I had one, I certainly don't remember it, so I guess I will have to hope she is in my dream another time. Maybe I can dream that we are all on an island together in the middle of nowhere... but that it's in Hawaii and there is plenty of food. Ha ha!

Christmas Sunday Dinner

Today marks an important day. First of all, it is the three month anniversary of mom's death. What makes that so crazy is that it is also on a Sunday - the same day of the week that she died. It is also important because we are having our Winder Christmas dinner tonight.

Because we all go to our in-laws for Christmas Eve, my mom started a tradition where we would have Sunday dinner in December and celebrate the spiritual aspect of Christmas. Tonight we are meeting at my dad's house. The kids will act out the nativity as we sing Christmas songs. We also do a talent show. We end the night watching Luke II - a short video of Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. My mom realized that Amy Grant's song, "Breath of Heaven" goes along perfectly with this video and would play it while we watch.

Well, tonight is the night. I hope I don't just sit a cry the whole time, but there is something about feeling the spirit and missing my mom, that just makes me cry.

This is a photo of mom before our last Christmas Sunday dinner. She has the tables set so nicely and everything all ready. It's definitely going to be different with Nate and my dad in charge. :) But we are constantly adjusting to a new way of doing things.

I really needed a good laugh today...

Today was just one of those days where I needed a good laugh. I know I shouldn't be laughing at someone else's expense, but this was pretty good.

Plus what makes it more funny is knowing my kids would seriously start bawling if this happened, just like the kids in this clip.

Standing Tall

Last night I went to Mike's city council meeting to give him moral support. The WVC council was passing a letter of reprimand for Mike using a pen name to get good news in the media.

Mike began the meeting by reading an apology letter that he wrote. I sat on the front row, along with my sister Tami, Aunt Karen, and cousin Andrea.

After the meeting, three T.V. cameras interviewed him, along with newspaper reporters. It was so painful to hear of the news that night, when one station misled viewers by giving misinformation.

I didn't sleep much that night. I was so frustrated thinking about my good brother who is paying a heavy price for his actions. There is so much good that he has done as the mayor, and yet it is so interesting that one mistake has cost him so much. Even a friend at work commented that politicians who have extramarital affairs get off a lot easier than this. Mike has deeply offended the media and because of this, it will haunt him for the rest of his political life.

Boy am I glad that my mistakes aren't publicly broadcasted for all the world to see! I can't even imagine.

So today I am a little sad, a little mad, and a little frustrated. I thought about my mom as I walked into city hall last night. I know she would've sat right there on the front row to lend support to Mike. She would've stood right by him as he apologized to the media, to constituents, and to his co-workers. And part of me is sure that she is standing beside him through this whole ordeal.

Love ya, Mike! Hang in there!!

Dear Mom,

We are ready for you to come back home. It's been almost three months, which is just way too long to have you away.

Remember when Dad went to India for 21 days? You missed him so much! You couldn't wait to have him back and you treasured every email he sent while he was gone. It was the longest you two had ever been apart.

Poor Dad is really missing you. Sometimes he watches the digital picture frame and just cries as your photos flip through. He put Christmas lights on the roof a few weeks ago. It was the first time he listened to his iPod since your death. He said that every song reminded him of you and he just pictured you in the kitchen, waiting to see the lights up when he was finished. It was so hard for him.

We are trying our best to take good care of him. I know you would want that. Sometimes I feel a prompting to tell him something or to call him. I know you are watching over him.

This Monday is my three boys' piano recital. You told me once that you loved coming because it really kicked off the holidays for you. I hope I can make it through without crying. I am glad that Dad is coming, but it just won't be the same without you.

Tami's baby is due in the next couple of weeks. She has asked me to be in the delivery room with her, to represent you. I hope I can give her the support that you would've given her. I have no doubt that you will be there as we welcome this new little spirit into our ever-growing family.

Mike is doing pretty well. I admire the way he just gets back up when he gets knocked down. He is a fighter and I am proud of the way he is handling himself. This Tuesday will be tough as the city council passes a resolution to reprimand him. I hope some of the family can be there to support him. There will certainly be news media there, too, and I hope people can show him some mercy as he publicly repents. It would be so hard for you to be here to see all of this. It's hard to read the awful comments on the media comment boards. We even found out that some opponents have hired interns to do nothing but knock Mike, write negative stories about him, and dig up any dirt they can find. Watching all of this has made me realize that I have no desire to ever run for public office. It's just awful!

Nate flies in from Germany for Christmas next week. I know you were so excited to have him home for the holidays this year and I'm sad that we will be missing you.

Isaac is almost done with his house and Dad's had fun as Isaac and Candalyn have been living with him for a few weeks.

I can go a few days without crying, but then the reality of this hits me hard. I am so glad that Matt and I stopped by to see you on our way from getting tomatoes the week before you died. We drove up to Rushtons to buy a bushel of tomatoes to can salsa. On our way home we passed the lane and I told Matt we should stop in to say hi. He reminded me of all the canning we still needed to do that day and how we see you often, but I felt strongly that we should stop. We had fun visiting for a few minutes in the entry way, and I treasure all those moments with you - especially now.

I hope you are doing well. I know you are busy. I sometimes wonder how much of your time is spent doing the work in the spirit world, and how much of it is here with us. We miss you so much and I love you!!

Love always,

Aimee