San Antonio, Texas

The next three posts are all about trips that we've taken in September and October. I have to post these, because this blog is my journal and scrapbook, so please excuse the boring photos and commentary for the next three days...


Matt won some hotel nights and airfare from a work campaign, and several months ago we booked a trip to San Antonio, Texas. Neither of us had ever been to San Antonio, and since we only had four days, we wanted to choose a place that had some sites, but wasn't too long of a flight.

With Mom's funeral, we kind of forgot that we had this trip planned. We left just six days after the funeral, and for me it was a wonderful chance to catch up on sleep, get my appetite back, and get away for a few days.

Our Marriott was on the Riverwalk, and we went to a great Mexican place for dinner.

The restaurant was right on the river and we enjoyed having them make homemade guacamole at our table. It was delicious!

After we ate, we went on a river cruise to see the sites.

The next day we went to the Alamo. Here is a photo of the Alamo, with our hotel in the background.

Standing in front of the Alamo...

Waterfall on the Riverwalk...

Later that night, we tried to catch up on the latest "Survivor" episode on my lap top. We couldn't get free Wi-Fi in the room, and had to go down to the lobby area to watch it. It was hard to watch, because the lobby was noisy, and we had computer issues, and we just had to laugh that we were even trying!

Here are some more photos from the Riverwalk...

Matt enjoying a fabulous steak dinner...

We loved the corner suite we stayed in! It was so much fun!! Even though I slept half the time, this was still a great trip.

Our view out the hotel room window...

The last day we went to the Mexican market.

This is me trying to take a self-portrait in the airport. It is super fun hanging out with my best friend! He was a champ to let me sleep, eat, and cry when I needed to on this trip!

Learning to Dance in the Rain...

My mother-in-law gave me a framed picture that says, "Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain." -Vivian Greene.

Friday night I flew home from a business trip in Maryland. I was dreading getting back to real life. Kids have been hard lately, and I feel like I am just a little mopey and not very fun for my family to be around.

Saturday we took our kids to help Matt's mom for an hour or two. We had her make a list of things she needed done and we told the kids we would get them lunch at Wendy's and do our "jobs" at grandma's. It was so therapeutic to go up and scrub and clean and work with my kids. It was so rewarding to see all four of my kids dig right in and work super hard to help grandma. I loved it! I felt so much better afterward.

I am realizing the secret to a happy life. It's not trying to get out of problems and trials. We all have them and that's just how it is. It's to get outside our self and our problems by serving other people. I am going to remember this - the best cure for depression is to do something for someone else.

I also found joy in pulling the flowers out of my front flower beds last night. I was out there by myself and it felt good to work. I am grateful my parents taught us how to work hard.

Today Mike and I chatted on the phone for a bit. We talked about how we are each grieving and things we have learned. We talked about the blessings we have received since Mom's death. We have a renewed desire to help our fellowmen and be positive and happy people. Those are qualities that our Mom has, and that we are striving to emulate. We appreciate our family so much more as a result of this loss. We have grown closer to Mom's Jepson family since this happened. What a great blessing it has been to get to know those aunts, uncles and cousins better.

In fact, right after Mom's death, there was a time when all her brothers and her sister were in town. I could feel how happy Mom was to have them all there together. It was almost a tangible happiness that I can't even describe. I know Mom loves her family so much! She always wished they lived closer and that she could see them more often. I am so grateful to have this new closeness with them. We've started a Google Group to keep in touch better. We are planning to all get together next October in Salt Lake. I know this is a direct blessing of this "storm" and it's a way we can "dance in the rain."

Update

This week stinks.

I would give about anything to call and talk to my Mom and to feel her arms around me.

I really needed her this week.

Lessons from Mom

As I am writing out as many memories of my Mom as possible, I am learning a great deal on how to be a better mother.

My Mom was a fierce defender of her kids. We knew Mom would have our back when we really needed it. We also knew she would let us fall and learn hard life lessons, if it was necessary for our growth.

Mom was perpetually positive and happy. Of course there were times when she was sad, or mad, or angry, but overall she was a happy person and looked for the good out of life. I remember as a child watching her in Sacrament Meeting. She would smile as she listened to the talks. Not just smile when something was funny, but sit there with a smile on her face.

I loved coming home from school to see Mom. She gave us undivided attention and let us talk about our day. She didn't tell us to hurry and get our jobs done, the minute we walked in the door, like I do with my kids. She took the time to listen. I want to do better on that!

It seemed that Mom's whole life was for her children. When we lived at home, she was 100% a mom. She got all her joy and fulfillment in life doing what she knew God wanted her to do - raise good kids. She didn't get hung up doing what the world told her would make her a successful person. She just did the right thing.

Mom made working fun. She made up fun games to get us to do our work. She didn't yell at us to get us to do it, but worked alongside us and made it fun. I want to do a better job doing this with my kids.

Once Mom made a rude comment about how someone's house looked. (I think she said, "It looks like a cyclone hit it.") A little while later she came to me and said that she had made a mistake and needed to repent for being so rude about the neighbor. She apologized. I was just a little girl at the time, but I remember that willingness to be humble and admittance of wrongdoing, even in front of her child.

Those are just a few things I've learned from my Mom. I am grateful that I had her and still have her as a role model. I love and miss her so much!

A Trip to St. George

For UEA weekend, Matt and I took the kids down to St. George. Our plan was just to hang out and relax. We did a lot of that, but I also tried to find some closure with my parent's car accident.

It was so weird driving along the freeway, realizing that the last time I drove that road was with Mike when we were going down to get my dad after the accident.

It was dark when we drove past the crash site, so we decided to try to find it on our way home.

I had Matt drive past Dixie Regional Hospital. I showed my kids that this was where Grandpa had stayed. I saw the pathway to the entrance and tried not to cry as I remembered helping Dad out to the car that next morning.

I also wanted to go to the tow truck place again. I knew their car wouldn't be there anymore, but I still wanted to go. The place was closed, but I got out and peered through the chain link fence to the area where the car was when we went through it the day after the accident. Those feelings and memories were still so fresh.

On the way home, we pulled over at mile marker 29. Matt and I found the crash site. There was still a hub cap and the passenger-side mirror was laying next to the rock that hit my Mom's side of the car. The rock was dislodged and there was glass on the ground. We could see the tire tracks that took them from the road to the median. I was surprised that there was a large berm and it helped me better understand how the car could've flipped.

While in St. George, I looked up the eyewitness to the accident and left her a message. We've thought so much about this woman and have wondered if she was doing okay after seeing everything she did. I also had so many questions for her.

When I got home, she called me back and we talked for an hour on the phone. I think it was good for both of us. It was interesting to hear what she saw. I sent my Dad and siblings an email with a summary of the phone call. Here are some snippets:

Sandy was driving on the freeway in the rain, contemplating pulling over because the storm was so bad. She continued on and she passed a car and saw out of the corner of her eye, what looked like a car door going end over end up the berm. She then noticed Dad and Mom's car sliding south along the freeway, so she was driving alongside it. It had already flipped at that point, and she was worried that it may drop off the steep ravine that was a few yards away. She pulled over, called 911 and ran back to the car. By the time she got there, a highway patrolman was arriving. She said Dad must've seen him because he stuck his arm out of the car to get his attention. Sandy ran to Dad, who had blood all over his arm and was kind of crouched into the side of the car. (He was on the bottom, as the car was on its side.) He said he was okay, but asked about his wife. She looked again and could see the top of Mom's head, and said it seemed like she was gone at this point. Mom had her blanket wrapped around her and then the seatbelt buckled over the blanket, which helped to keep her tucked in.

Sandy said there was a ton of stuff thrown out of the car. One was a clear envelope with some keys in it and a note that said, "Enjoy!" She was devastated to find that because she could tell they were going away together for a fun getaway.

I am now in Maryland for a work training. I brought a journal to use to write down memories of my Mom. I wrote nine pages on the plane. Phew! This grieving and mourning stuff is really a lot of work!

My patient husband

Matt has been such a great support and source of strength for me the past six weeks. He completely took over running our household when my Mom passed away, and sometimes I think he is even better at it than I am!

I feel a little guilty because I am a little disconnected from my husband and kids. You would think that losing my Mom would make me that much more determined to spend quality time with my children. It has, in a lot of ways, but in other ways I have been a little distracted.

I find myself wanting to be with my family-of-origin more than anything. I can't wait to spend time with my dad and siblings. The week of the funeral was so special because we were together every day. Sometimes I really miss that. I think there must be something in that bond that makes me want to be with them. Plus, they are going through the same loss and grief so it's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings.

I am hoping that very soon I will be more emotionally engaged with my husband and kids. I feel so guilty even admitting that I'm not.

Poor Matt -- there have been nights when we've tried to watch our favorite T.V. show together, "Survivor." One time I starting crying in the middle of it and we had to turn it off. I am just so disinterested in my normal life, it's kind of crazy. Who would've thought mourning would be this disrupting??

So many times Matt has had to listen to the same stories over and over. I have no idea how many times I've recounted the experience of hearing about the accident, going through the car, or being at the funeral. Bless his heart, Matt has just let me talk - even if it's for the 1000th time! He has been so patient!

So when you see Matt, please ask him how he is doing. I don't know what I would do without him and I hope he continues to put up with me! (Love you, Babe! You're the best!!)

On a side note, I just finished reading the book, "The Message," by Lance Richardson. I loved it! It gave me so much peace and comfort. I would highly recommend it!

I am realizing why my world feels like it is crashing down. I had several people tell me that no matter the age, you are never really ready to lose your mom. I didn't talk to my Mom every single day. Sometimes it would be a couple of weeks between times that I even saw her. But a Mom, the primary care giver, is security. When all else fails in life, you can always call your mom. You know your mom will love you and care for you no matter who you are or what you do. Losing my Mom has shaken a little bit of my foundation in life. It's the strangest thing. I am so, so grateful that I still have my Dad, because dad's give us a lot of security, too. But I am learning so much about this relationship with the one who actually gives birth to us. It's a special thing. For those of you who have lost your mom's - at any age - I'm sure you know what I am talking about.

Another Wonderful Tribute

To make this blog easier to find you can now go to www.thelittlefigs.com

My cousins just made this great tribute video of my Mom using clips from our funeral talks.

Cards and the Crazy Winder Family!

So I hesitate to share how sick and twisted our family really is, but I'm going to anyway. This was a story that all of us kids toyed with sharing at the funeral, but then we just thought it made us sound like a bunch of crazies.

My Mom was always an emotional, sentimental, and sensitive person. Honestly, Mom didn't really "get" sarcasm very well. She would take things very literally and sometimes we would tease her a bit because of that.

We started a family tradition whenever Mom would read a birthday or Mother's Day card from all of us kids. We would pick out a card. And of course it would be the most sappy and sentimental card we could find because we knew Mom would LOVE it! Then we would each write a few sentences telling her how much we loved and appreciated her. Then... the fun would begin...

Mom would always read her cards out loud.

Our goal?

To see who could make her cry the most. (See, I told you it was sick and twisted.) Now I don't mean cry in a bad way, but cry in a good way. She would always get emotional when things were touching.

So Mom would read the card and then each of our tributes. Mike was oftentimes the cheesy poet. He has made up many-a-rhyme, and received many-an-eye-roll. The rest of us would write whatever we felt and as she would read each one, if she started getting emotional, we'd pat the person on the back for having such a touching tribute. It seemed that the past few years the in-laws scored many points in this arena. (We didn't really keep track of points, but would just say at the end who the winner was.)

I have a wonderful stack of cards from birthdays and Mother's Days throughout the years. They are in a bag at my Dad's house and they are all the cards we gave Mom. It is amazing to me that she saved almost all of them. One of these days I will share a few things that we wrote. (I'm sure you are dying to hear one of Mike's poems!)

One of the great lessons my Mom taught us was never to just sign our names on a card. She taught us to write how we really felt about someone and to share with them how much they mean to us. She was so good at that.

I was sad that I wasn't good at saving cards, like Mom was. After she died, I panicked because I didn't think I had saved any cards she gave me. Luckily I've found a few. Here is one that she gave me for my 20th birthday. I think the words to the song she writes about are so sweet. I have vivid memories of my parent's both sitting on my bed, when I was a little girl and going to sleep. They would sing this song to me.

Dad's New Role

Each third Sunday of the month, the Kent Winder family gets together to have dinner. We rotate houses and the person who hosts gets to choose the menu and generally does the main dish.

October was my Mom and Dad's turn to host. A few weeks ago I asked Dad if he would rather have me host it. He told me that he still wanted a turn and asked for ideas on what to cook. I wasn't sure what he knew how to make, so I suggested he buy some chicken and barbecue it. Then I assigned everything else out to the rest of us kids. Since Mom usually was the one to cook and play "hostess," I was intrigued that Dad was willing to do it.

We showed up at his house on Sunday night with all our kids. He had the tables all nicely set (with paper plates, of course), and was excited to have us over. We enjoyed a nice dinner.

At Sunday dinner, we also celebrate the birthdays for that month. The kids get to open their presents and we usually sing. October is Tami and Cedric's birthdays. (Cedric is Tami's 3 year old.) Mom is usually the card-buying and gift-buying parent, but Dad insisted that he would do it all by himself.

As Cedric opened his gift from Grandpa, I saw something magical happen. No longer was Dad just in the background, but he was right next to Cedric and so excited to show him how his transformer robot worked! Cedric gave him a big hug and I cried as I saw a new grandpa-side that I had never seen before.

Then it was Tami's turn to open her card. Mom would always read each and every card and wouldn't buy it unless it said just the right thing. No funny cards for her - they were always very meaningful and special. Then she would write a few nice sentences telling us how much she loved us and how proud she was of us.

This time Dad picked out the card. He was so excited about the card he chose and asked Tami to read it out loud. He quietly cried as she read his card. Actually, we all cried as she read it because he wrote, "We are so proud of you..." etc. etc. and signed it from "Dad and Mom."

I am so proud of my Dad for adapting to this new role. He's never been in charge of dinner for the whole family. He's never shopped for a grandchild's birthday gift by himself. He's never picked out and signed a card for his kids without input from Mom. Those were always Mom's undertakings. And yet that night I saw a new side of him, one that was engaged and adapting to a new "normal."

Later that night I went through a cupboard where my Mom kept any special cards or notes. She loved sweet, heartfelt cards and saved so many of them. (I remembered her telling us two days before she died, at her birthday party, that she kept all the cards we gave her. We asked why and she said, "So that if anything ever happened to one of you, I would know what you wrote to me." Amazing.)

I sorted through all these cards, notes, and even special emails that she had printed out. I found two small journals at the bottom of the stack. One was for Tyler and one for Aubree. She had good intentions to keep a grandma journal for each of them. There was only one or two entries, but she described how much she loved them and some special experiences she had with them. What a priceless treasure for Tyler and Aubree!

I also ran across an email I sent her in March 2008. She must've liked it enough to print it out. It said...

"Hope you guys are having a great trip! I had an experience the other day... I was doing hard-boiled eggs. You always have the best "recipe" for how to do them and I never remember it, so I was wishing that I could call and ask you. Knowing I couldn't, I had to make do, but as I was peeling the shells, I started to cry thinking about how sad I would be if someday I couldn't call you anymore for dumb things like that. Anyway, know that I love and miss you!"

Thanks goodness I got my Mom for as long as I did, and that Dad is still here!

Hugs

I have never been a super "huggy" person. It's funny how an experience like losing my Mom has changed my view of hugs.

It all started with Mom's birthday dinner two days before she died. She went around to each person (all my siblings and their spouses) and gave them a hug and told them she loved them. I had made a trip to the restroom and as I came out I overheard her say, "Did I miss anyone?" Since I was too proud to admit that I may need a hug from my Mom, I didn't say anything. Everyone walked outside and something inside me told me to go get a hug. I walked outside, but my parents had already left. That was one hug I really wish I would've gotten.

Luckily, I have received many hugs to make up for it. I am finding that a good, hearty hug really helps to heal my soul. I am so appreciative of all those who come up and give me a warm embrace and tell me they are sorry about my mom. It is so healing.

Last Sunday, as I was sitting in Relief Society at church, singing "O My Father," I broke down. My sweet friend and neighbor, Colette, came and sat by me and put her arm around me through the rest of the song. It was so appreciated.

I am learning to appreciate hugs, like I never have before.

Now if I can just get my 15 year old son to learn to appreciate hugs from his mom, then I will be in business! :)

P.S. I am trying to find the person who made this book mark for my Mom. It obviously meant a lot to her - it was the book mark she was using on her way down to St. George and I found it in the car. If you are the person who gave it to her, would you please let me know? Thanks!

Movies and Memories

I've been excited all week for last night!

Each month we do Date Night with the adults in my family. My parents, siblings, and their spouses all get together and do something. Sometimes we go to dinner. Sometimes we play games. Sometimes we do Halloween movie skits and embarrass ourselves in public. (That's a story for a different day!)

Last month for Date Night, we had an early birthday celebration for my Mom. We reserved the party room at the Murray Olive Garden and enjoyed a nice dinner together two days before Mom died. Last night we had our October Date Night.

We all brought our own dinner and met at Tami and Tom's house. (We take turns planning Date Night, and this month it was their turn.) They wanted to watch home movies of some of our family vacations. I was so excited to see and hear my Mom. As we all sat around the table to eat, it felt a little strange. Of course we missed Nate, but Mom's presence was so very missed. It just wasn't quite the same.

The first movie was of our Hawaii trip over New Year's in 2003. When Mom first came on the screen, I got a little emotional. Dad said he wanted to reach out and give her a big hug.

I am so grateful to my parents that family vacations were such a priority. Many of my great memories of my Mom are from these trips. We truly bonded as a family. Matt and I have realized how precious these memories are and have made a renewed effort to make sure we take our kids on family vacations - even if they are inexpensive and local.

Here is a funny memory I have of my Mom from one of these family trips. My dad served his mission in England. In 2000, he decided to use much of his sky miles and savings to take us to England. There were 10 of us and dad rented a 10 passenger van so we could boon around Northern England for a week. We then spent another week in London. It was truly a trip of a lifetime. We enjoyed seeing the beautiful, green, landscape, and slower-paced lifestyle in Northern England. We even spent time with a family that Dad had baptized on his mission.

One day we were visiting a site. As we walked across the grass, my Mom said, "Don't step in the sheep sh_t." We looked at her in surprise, as she was not one to usually cuss. In fact, I think I had only ever heard her swear twice growing up, so this casual cursing took me by surprise. We all said, "Mom!" She looked at  us and very seriously said, "Well, it's not bad if you aren't mad when you say it!" That set off a round of laughter and has forever been the family joke.

Another experience in England... we ate many of our meals at local pubs. They were fairly quick and inexpensive. Mom, who was used to American customer service, sent her meal back because it wasn't hot enough. Then when it came back out, something else was wrong and she asked for it to be fixed. She was very polite about it, but the waiter/bartender finally said to her, "Look lady, we're really busy here." We all busted up laughing and Mom apologized for her "neediness."

My last England funny memory was when we were all in the 10 passenger van, driving around. Dad loved to be the driver and have all of us in the car laughing and joking. He went to drive into a parking garage and the sign said maximum was 6 (or 8?) feet or something. We told him, "Dad, you will never make it. The van is too high." Of course Dad wanted to test it out for himself, so he slowly started driving into the parking garage until we heard a loud clank. The top of the van hit the ceiling of the garage and dad was forced to back out. We laughed hysterically.

We ended our Date Night with family prayer. Mike offered a touching prayer and we all cried as he thanked our Father in Heaven for giving us Mom and for the many years we had with her. He also asked for a blessing to be with my dad in the coming weeks and months as he adjusts to his new life without her. I felt Mom with us during this prayer and it was a very special experience.

I spoke with my friend, Linda, yesterday. She lost her dad 11 years ago. She gave me some very good advice and one thing she urged me to do was write down all the memories I have of my Mom. So often we think we will remember them forever, but we slowly forget. So please forgive me if I share some of these memories here on this blog.

Bye, Mom. I love you! See you after school. Thanks for the ride!!

The Dash

My friend gave me a book and I loved the poem in it, so I wanted to share:

THE DASH

By Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all...

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

that she spent alive on earth

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,

the cars...the house...the cash...

What matters is how we live and love...

and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;

are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left

that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what's true and real...

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives...

like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect

and more often wear a smile...

remembering that this special dash

might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read...

with your life's actions to rehash...

would you be proud of the things they say...

about how you spent your dash?

Just when you think you are fine...

So how can I go all day long and not really think about my Mom or be sad? It is good that my days are filled with kids, work, and life. But then sometimes when I feel like I can handle all of this, it seems to come crashing down.

Tonight I ran back to City Hall for an event. As I was leaving, I peeked into my friend's office to return a book she loaned my dad. She had also lost her spouse and has been a great resource for me.

We chatted and I looked at her photos of her husband and family. Then I told her, "I am worried that I will start to forget things about my Mom." I promptly burst into tears. She understood what I meant. It is a weird thing, but I find myself clinging to memories of my Mom because I am scared I will forget things about her.

Let me clarify... I know I will never forget my Mom. But will I always remember the sound of her voice? Will I remember what she looked like? Her mannerisms? Her laugh?

I know that over time some of these things will not be as vivid in my mind and it makes me sad! My Grandpa Ned passed away six years ago. I have forgotten a few things. His legacy lives on, but my mind can't recall as vividly how he used to stand when conducting Family Meetings, or some of his mannerisms that were such an important part of his personality. I'm sure when I see him in heaven, it will all come rushing back, but for now I have forgotten... just a little bit.

It freaks me out and devastates me to think that I will forget some things about my Mom. I feel guilty even saying that out loud.

Tonight at 9:15 p.m., I realized it was exactly one month ago that I was informed of Mom's untimely death. In some ways it feels like months ago. In other ways it feels like it was just last week. Time is a funny thing.

I don't think I've yet cried as hard as I did tonight. Calling my family members always help ease the pain. I called my dad and talked to him for a minute. I asked him if I could call back and not have him answer. Sometimes I like to call my parent's house and hear my Mom's voice on the answering machine. I just needed to hear it tonight.

I called my Grandma Jepson in Seattle. It was so good to talk to her and we spent an hour and a half on the phone. It helped cheer me up!

We laughed about how Mom always said she "wasn't a cat person." My grandma has always had a few cats and loves them! Mom always told us that we couldn't have a pet growing up. Then she met Oscar. He was a darling, gray kitten and we all fell in love. One day Oscar ran away and my Mom spent the entire day putting up "Missing Cat" posters. She even called "Oscar Winder" into the temple prayer roll in hopes he would be found. Pretty funny for not being "a cat person." A few weeks later we adopted Oscar's sister, Whitney, our black cat, who my Mom buried a couple of years ago. She was devastated! We had to chuckle that one could be so upset over the death of a cat, when she wasn't even "a cat person." Ha ha! Well, hopefully she will run into Whitney in heaven.

I digress...

One whole month... I can hardly believe it!

My first time in the Temple

Saturday night I went with Matt to the Jordan River Temple to do a session. It was my first trip to the Temple since Mom passed away. I was so excited to go!

In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we have Temples where we go to learn more about our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ. We also make covenants and receive special blessings. We believe that certain things need to be done in order to live with God eternally. One of them is baptism. We believe that we have to be baptized, just like Jesus Christ was - by immersion. In our church, when someone is at least 8 years old, then they can qualify for baptism.

We also believe that everyone should have the opportunity to take this important step - even if they didn't get a chance to on this earth. Because of this, we do Baptisms for the Dead. That means that we find names of our family members who have not had this opportunity, and we are baptized for and in behalf of them.

I know my Mom is in heaven teaching people the gospel of Jesus Christ, so when someone is baptized for them, then they can decide if they want to accept it. No one is forced to be baptized, or to accept this baptism. Free agency plays an important role in this, and I know each individual chooses for themselves to accept it or not.

Because I know my Mom is teaching people about Jesus Christ, it makes going to the Temple, even more special. While I am in the Temple, I can feel the Holy Spirit. Through this spirit, I receive inspiration of things I can do better in my life, or things that I need to learn. I am so happy whenever I am there.

I've realized that our hearts "feel" things, too. For instance, there have been times when my heart has physically hurt while feeling the pain of losing my Mom. There are times when my heart feels peace. There have also been times when my heart has had a burning sensation - kind of a warm, happy feeling. That's what I feel when I hear something that is true. I know it's the Holy Ghost, or the Holy Spirit that gives me that feeling and knowledge of truth. I feel that feeling a lot in the Temple, or when reading from the Book of Mormon.

I am grateful that I feel that heaven isn't very far away and that my Mom is engaged in an important work. I know she was taken for a reason and that she is happy. It gives me the desire to do all that I can to live worthy to be with her again for eternity.

Mike's Mayors Gala

On Friday night, Mike held his Mayor's Gala. This Gala is a fundraiser for his future political campaigns. My Mom was the chair of the effort and put in countless hours to arrange catering, figure out decorations, and assist with logistics. In fact, Mike's last conversation with her was when she called to tell him some ideas regarding the centerpieces and menu. Tami even found a paper at the crash site with some of her notes about the gala.

It was a great event for Mike and the western theme was a lot of fun. But there was just a little bit of sadness for us as we enjoyed the fruits of Mom's labors, without her.

The invocation was done by a pastor of a local community church. Before her prayer, she talked about Mom and then had a moment of silence for her. Mike also mentioned Mom in his speech and several of us shed a few tears.

All in all, it was a great event. I don't think Mom really "hung out" for it, but I'm hoping she got to have a little peek to see how it all turned out.

Dad's Recollection of the Accident

Each month our family puts together a family newsletter. Each family submits a few paragraphs sharing the things that have been going on for them that month. It is our way of sharing info with each other, and compiling a family history. (For our out-of-state relatives, or anyone else, for that matter, if you are ever interested in being on our "distribution list," please send me an email at newtonloans@gmail.com.)


I was particularly touched by my dad's entry and thought I should share:

"September began with Kent and Sherri doing things together. They spent the Labor Day weekend in Park City with Isaac and Candalyn. It was fun spending the night and browsing the Main Street open market. Mom and Dad had been asked to be the temple workers for a Stake Temple night session. They enjoyed that and love being in the temple. Sherri loved her birthday party at Olive Garden. She enjoyed reading the birthday card (kept in her funeral book) and felt an extra love for her children and the great spouses they have been blessed to find. Mom and Dad enjoyed being part of Lily’s baptism with Dad being a witness and Mom giving the closing prayer. On Sunday 9/11/11, after Stake Conference, Mom and Dad left for St. George to spend the week staying at Nancy’s house and Dad attending water meetings. As they approach Cedar City they talked of stopping to get something to eat, but decided to wait and eat in St. George. As they continued on Mom began reading to Dad from Millennial Messiah.  Around 6:15pm as they were in the canyon it began to rain very hard. As the cooler rain fell upon the oily asphalt the road became slick and the car started to hydroplane. Dad said to Mom “I’m losing control”. The next thing Dad remembers is being in a crashed car, someone holding his hand, and looking over at Mom who was sitting in her seat with her head drooped over. Dad was asked if he was ok and he said, “Yes, but what about my wife?” Dad then again went unconscious. He awoke later with people trying to pull him out of the car and the comment was made,”He seems ok, but she didn’t make it.” As Dad was rushed from the crash site to the St George hospital he was slipping in and out of consciousness. The medical personnel were shining a light in his eyes asking, “What is your name? When is your birthday? Where do you live? Stay with us!” In the hospital Dad was checked over (CT scan, x-rays, etc.). A grief counselor came in and said to him, “You’re okay, but your wife didn’t make it and she was taken directly to the mortuary. Who of your family can we call?” She called Mike and told him the bad news. Mike spoke briefly with Dad. 

Later that week Sherri was buried. Losing his companion has been hard for Dad, but he is so thankful for the plan of salvation knowing that he’ll see her again. Having lots of family has been helpful, to talk things out and spend time with them. Dad has been comforted with the outpouring of love and the prayers of so many people. Dad feels the family is closer and stronger because of the events of this month."

I am concerned for my dad. Nate leaves next Thursday to fly back to Germany and then he will have an empty house all to himself. I pray that he can get through this very difficult transition. Sometimes I wonder if Mom cries once in awhile in heaven because she misses us. I kind of think she does. I'm sure she has a much better perspective than we do, though, on time and the things that really matter.

The Camera Miracle!

The night before Mom died, we were at Lily's baptism. Mom took many photos and then they left on their St. George trip. After the accident, we were all wondering where the camera ended up. When I searched the car, I didn't find it. A few days later my sister-in-law searched the car again, and still didn't find it. We looked all over Mom's house, but no camera.


We all felt like the camera was so important. It contained our last photos of Mom. We prayed that we would find it. I kept feeling like it was in dad's bright orange plastic bag that he got from the Utah Highway Patrol. I also had a dream that it was in a lost and found somewhere, so Tami even called the hospital to see. Even at the crash site, she and Tom searched for the camera. No camera.


Yesterday I got this email from my dad:

"I just got a Priority Mail package from the Utah Highway Patrol. Inside was Mom's camera along with a nice condolence letter from the officer. The camera bag is blood stained and dirty, but the camera works. Our prayers were answered.

Love to all,

Dad"

YAY! We are so excited about this. Nate said there are hundreds of photos that hadn't yet been downloaded to their computer, including some of our last family vacation together in July and some from a little Jepson family reunion that she planned just a few weeks before.

 Here is Mom with her brother, Burt, at a little Jepson family reunion at the end of August.

This was taken the night before she died at Lily's baptism. Dad said she was wearing this same outfit on Sunday to St. George. 


Today has been a tough day. I have bawled so many times. It is finally sinking in and I am starting to really miss my Mom.


Today I attend the Professional Republican Women lunch. Mom and I attended this together several times. I took her for the first time when she was running for the Legislature so I could introduce her to people. When I went to get my name tag, I noticed her name tag sitting there. 


I decided to go to the restroom and just have a good cry. I thought about how she took me to her office in that same building at the Capitol when she worked for Governor Huntsman. My heart physically hurt.


I got myself composed and went back to the lunch as my Mom's former co-workers, Jennifer and Jennifer, walked in. Then I started to cry all over again and had to step into another room. It's just been crazy!


Tonight I attend our Chamber's gala. My brother, Mike, was there, too. As he stood on the stage to congratulate someone, I got emotional thinking about how proud my Mom would've been of him. We were sitting at different tables and I got a text from him to follow him to his car. We finished eating and when he got up to leave, I also walked out. I walked him to his car and asked him what was up. "I just need a mom for a minute," he said. (Ironically I was wearing one of my Mom's business suits.) 


We sat in his car and he wanted to show me the program for his Mayor's Gala and his new book that is getting published. I looked through his stuff, told him how happy I was for him, and then told him how proud Mom must be. We both sat in the car and bawled and hugged each other. This week is hard for all of us, as the reality is really sinking in.

Info on the Car Crash

So I guess needing to know all the gory details is just part of the grieving process.

My poor cousin, Ned, who was our funeral director, got bombarded by my questions on Sunday night. I wanted to know exactly what Mom looked like when he picked up her body. It didn't freak me out or anything... I just wanted to know.

Tami and Tom went down to St. George this past weekend and found the crash site. Here is their video...

Mike took these photos with his camera phone the day after the accident. After we picked dad up from the hospital, we went to the tow truck place to go through their car. Dad didn't have his shoes because they were still in the car and wore the hospital socks. I kept telling him to go sit down because there was glass all over the ground, but he wouldn't listen to me. I think all of us were just in shock.

Here I am, just sobbing as I looked through the car. I didn't even care who could hear or see me. It was the only way to get through this.

Man, was that only 23 days ago? It seems like it was months ago. I'm really not sure how we even dealt with this whole experience. I guess when you're in shock, you just do it.

I show these photos because I know it was a miracle that my dad survived. I am so grateful to still have him. I also know that it was Mom's time to go. The fact that one was killed instantly and the other one walked out of the hospital with no injuries the very next day just makes me even more certain.

I am so grateful that I will see my Mom again. I can feel her spirit and know there is life after we die. I know she is surrounded by loved ones and that she is busy doing very important work. I am so grateful that my parents were sealed in the Temple so their marriage will continue even after death. I know families can be together for eternity!

Sweet Moments

Yesterday and today I have had some great opportunities to really grieve. It has been really good, actually. 

Yesterday my Mom's best friend, Kim, met us at my dad's house. We wanted Kim to have a chance to look through Mom's stuff and see if there was anything she wanted. It was so much fun to talk to her and hear the last few conversations my Mom had with her. 

Apparently my Mom called her a few times the month before she died and told her some random things - one conversation was about how Mom wanted to hug her dad. (Her dad was killed in a car accident on Mom's 6 year old birthday.) She told Kim that she wanted to feel his arms around her and missed him so much.

Another conversation was about all of her kids and their spouses. She went through each person and told Kim what their qualities were and why they were a good match with their spouse. She also told her how grateful she was to have married her best friend.

Kim thought these conversations were so random and yet now they make sense.

We showed Kim Mom's food storage. It was incredible! I think I have mentioned this before, but I believe Mom knew there was a storm coming. I think she could feel that something was going to happen. She probably thought it would be an earthquake or some other disaster, which is why she stocked up on everything. I guess it's kind of like "nesting" before you have a baby. Anyway, my Dad won't need to go to the store for awhile because there are all kinds of canned foods ready. (Dad did take back the wood-burning stove insert that Mom purchased the day before she died.)

We opened a closet in the guest bedroom. There was a pillow that Kim had given my Mom that said something like, "Through thick and thin, you will always be my best friend." We all started to cry and my dad handed it to Kim to keep.

It was a very sweet afternoon.

Today I went over to my dad's house again. He still has all of Mom's things out for people to take. I wanted to do one last run-through to make sure there wasn't something I would be sad to have go to D.I. I'm so glad I did. I happened to look on the table where all her make-up and other toiletries were. There was a bag with some very large clip-on earrings. They weren't really the kind of thing I would ever wear, but as I picked up the bag, I had a strong impression that they had belonged to my Mom's grandma. Of course I took them home.

After family members left the house, Caleb had fun hanging out with Uncle Nate, so I started snooping a little. I found a little cupboard in Mom's nightstand that had tons of cards. There were Mothers Day cards, Birthday cards, even Thank You notes that she had received that meant a lot to her. (To my cousin, Rachel:  Your Thank You note to my parents was there. Mom loved it when you stayed with them! I will have to give it back to you, but it should make you feel good that she loved you so much that she kept it.)

There were cards from the grandkids and even a little hot pad that Aubree and Jessica had made her. I also found her journal from the early 80's to about 1999. I spent a few minutes thumbing through her journal and read some precious entries. It was such a wonderful, sweet moment.

Here is something I've learned from my Mom... If you are going to give someone a card for their birthday or whatever, make it count. Don't just sign your name, but put how you feel about that person. My Mom was so good at doing this. Because of this, all of us kids had no doubt how she felt about us when she died. She wrote specifics and told us over and over again how she felt. It was priceless.

Ah, it feels good to really grieve. I've been holding it in all week at work, so this weekend was a nice time to cry and let some of that out.